Enter Truth, Exit Pain

My dad died this year and it sucks. There's not a single thing you can do in life to prepare you for a loss like that. And there is not a single thing anyone can say or do that can remove the pain of grief from your heart.

I haven't done much writing in this blog in the last couple of years, partly because life got busy and partly because I didn't really have anything new or interesting to share. Now I do. It occurred to me the other day that I don't tell the truth very much. It's not that I lie, I just avoid saying exactly what I feel and what I think. I mostly do this to be polite, but I also think a lot of the time I am trying to make myself very small - indistinguishable. A lot of this is out of fear, I presume. I don't know, I think I will learn more about this in my upcoming therapy sessions.

I am tired of not telling the truth. It takes a lot of energy to hide. I hadn't really noticed just how exhausting it is until I really thought about it. Smiling politely, biting my tongue, swallowing my pride - all the things. 

A funny thing happens when someone you love dies. Not really "funny", but you know what I mean. The funny thing that happens is you start assessing things, especially your own life and how much of it it remains. After my dad died I started repeating the phrase, "what's the point?" in my head over and over again - I started questioning why I was bothering to do anything - work hard, pay bills, clean the house, eat healthy, bite my tongue when someone was rude to me, etc. etc. Basically I am taking stock. My dad should have had another 20 or 30 years of life, he should have been able to enjoy retirement with his beautiful wife and travel to all the warmest most tropical parts of the world, he should have gotten more Christmases with my kids. But instead his life was cut short by an unexpected illness and a surprise reveal of lung cancer, as was uncovered later in his autopsy. He didn't have a moment to take stock because he thought there was time. We always think there is time.

So I am taking stock and one of the things I am realizing in all this is that I am angry and sad most of the time, and I am also tired of holding in all my anger and sadness. I am tired of hiding my real feelings, politely smiling, or pretending like I have it all together. Fact is that I am human. I am a mess. I have feelings. Some days I get by okay but a lot of days I careen repeatedly between anxiety and depression. 

As I briefly mentioned earlier, I'm in therapy. I'd rather not be, but a couple of months after my dad passed away it became abundantly clear that I am incapable of healing through this grief by myself. So I enlisted a professional to unload all of my emotional baggage on, on a weekly basis.

Also, I'd like to start living my life and being happy. And I think the key to that is to stop making myself small and hiding who I really am and what I really think. So this blog is turning into a "truth series" as I work through my grief. I'll post these from time to time as the spirit moves me. No one is required to read them. In fact, I'll bet no one will. The Facebook algorithm seems to be against me and most of my social media posts seem to turn invisible as soon as they are published. But writing, publishing, and posting my truths and feelings will be very cathartic for me. And will give me a much-needed voice again. It's been a minute since I wrote something real and autobiographical. 

Looking forward to spilling my guts.