Choosing to Cut Christmas Cards in 2024

Our family sends out a holiday card every year to about 100 households; chances are if you are reading this on social media, you are one of the lucky recipients of our printed holiday joy. We always do a photo card and the image is either of all 4 of our family members (sometimes including pets) or just of our 2 sons. Typically I choose a photo that was taken sometime during the calendar year that reflects something significant that happened within our family, or sometimes I set up a holiday "photoshoot" at our house, complete with our Christmas tree as a prop, Santa hats as part of our "costumes", and my cell phone as the camera.

I take a lot of pride in our holiday cards each year and even though it's a lot of work, I also take a lot of pleasure in sending them out to our extensive mailing list. Our holiday cards are a chance to humble brag about our family while also spreading Christmas cheer to those we love.

But this year I decided to skip the whole card thing. In early November when I started searching in my phone's photo albums for an image to use, I was suddenly overcome with a wave of sadness. This year had some high points for sure (I started a new job that I love, my youngest son began high school, my oldest son got his driver's license, just to name a few), but when I think of 2024, the only thing I can think of this holiday season is how we lost my dad. As much as I don't want this terribly sad and tragic experience to trump everything else, it does. Between that and the presidential election results, I just don't feel like I want to celebrate the end of this year with a colorful card and warm holiday greetings.

One could argue that doing the cards even though I felt sad about it may have been a good thing because as I mentioned earlier, I typically do enjoy the whole routine of sending out holiday cards each year. Maybe it would have brought me joy or helped me embrace the holiday spirit. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt like if we sent out a photo card of us all smiling, looking joyful and serene, it would be a lie. I also felt like it would be a betrayal to my dad in some way. After someone dies the world expects us to carry on and be happy - and I know that I will do that eventually - but I felt like sending out happy holiday greetings this year would dismiss this great hole that was left in my heart, would dismiss the fact that this amazing person is no longer in the world. I am just not ready to do that. I need this time to be sad and to acknowledge it - to not mask it with hollow holiday sentiments. I do sincerely hope others have a merry holiday season, I just won't be sending those wishes by mail this year.

The card thing is just one example of how hard and complicated the holiday season can be if you are grieving. To all my friends and family who typically receive a card from us each year, this is why you don't have one of our holly jolly creations hanging on your wall or fridge this year. I'm not sorry for skipping cards, so I won't apologize for it, but I don't think anyone is expecting me to. I know everyone gets it, even if they haven't experienced this type of loss yet.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out with kindness and support since my last post about telling the truth about my grief after losing my dad. And thank you to all for your patience as our family navigates this difficult time. The holidays have been harder this year, especially for me. I'll do the card thing again someday when it feels right again. I know my dad would want me to. 💗

Enter Truth, Exit Pain

My dad died this year and it sucks. There's not a single thing you can do in life to prepare you for a loss like that. And there is not a single thing anyone can say or do that can remove the pain of grief from your heart.

I haven't done much writing in this blog in the last couple of years, partly because life got busy and partly because I didn't really have anything new or interesting to share. Now I do. It occurred to me the other day that I don't tell the truth very much. It's not that I lie, I just avoid saying exactly what I feel and what I think. I mostly do this to be polite, but I also think a lot of the time I am trying to make myself very small - indistinguishable. A lot of this is out of fear, I presume. I don't know, I think I will learn more about this in my upcoming therapy sessions.

I am tired of not telling the truth. It takes a lot of energy to hide. I hadn't really noticed just how exhausting it is until I really thought about it. Smiling politely, biting my tongue, swallowing my pride - all the things. 

A funny thing happens when someone you love dies. Not really "funny", but you know what I mean. The funny thing that happens is you start assessing things, especially your own life and how much of it it remains. After my dad died I started repeating the phrase, "what's the point?" in my head over and over again - I started questioning why I was bothering to do anything - work hard, pay bills, clean the house, eat healthy, bite my tongue when someone was rude to me, etc. etc. Basically I am taking stock. My dad should have had another 20 or 30 years of life, he should have been able to enjoy retirement with his beautiful wife and travel to all the warmest most tropical parts of the world, he should have gotten more Christmases with my kids. But instead his life was cut short by an unexpected illness and a surprise reveal of lung cancer, as was uncovered later in his autopsy. He didn't have a moment to take stock because he thought there was time. We always think there is time.

So I am taking stock and one of the things I am realizing in all this is that I am angry and sad most of the time, and I am also tired of holding in all my anger and sadness. I am tired of hiding my real feelings, politely smiling, or pretending like I have it all together. Fact is that I am human. I am a mess. I have feelings. Some days I get by okay but a lot of days I careen repeatedly between anxiety and depression. 

As I briefly mentioned earlier, I'm in therapy. I'd rather not be, but a couple of months after my dad passed away it became abundantly clear that I am incapable of healing through this grief by myself. So I enlisted a professional to unload all of my emotional baggage on, on a weekly basis.

Also, I'd like to start living my life and being happy. And I think the key to that is to stop making myself small and hiding who I really am and what I really think. So this blog is turning into a "truth series" as I work through my grief. I'll post these from time to time as the spirit moves me. No one is required to read them. In fact, I'll bet no one will. The Facebook algorithm seems to be against me and most of my social media posts seem to turn invisible as soon as they are published. But writing, publishing, and posting my truths and feelings will be very cathartic for me. And will give me a much-needed voice again. It's been a minute since I wrote something real and autobiographical. 

Looking forward to spilling my guts.

Congratulations to the Other Side

We're at the end of election week 2024 and like so many people, I am having a lot of big feelings. What better way to deal with them than to write? So here goes nothing. I hope you'll read all the way to the end.

First I'd like to start off by saying, "congratulations to the other side!" And I mean that sincerely. It wasn't but 4 years ago that I was feeling the elation you're currently feeling. I was excited "my guy" had won the presidency and I was feeling optimism and relief. So I understand what you're probably feeling right now. Enjoy it.

I'm an American and I believe in our electoral process, our democracy, and our freedoms. I love this country and I feel lucky to live in it. I don't like how the election turned out, but I am not going to stomp around for the next 4 years denying the legitimacy of the election, I am not going to fly flags that say "F Trump",  and I am not going to storm the US Capitol and try to overthrow the government. That would just be insane, right?

I'll say now what I said in 2016 when Trump was elected the first time: I think it's a mistake that we put him in office, but he is our president, and as an American, I sincerely hope he does a good job and makes this country "great again", whatever the hell that means. Of course I want our country to be successful. I want unemployment rates to fall, I want inflation to diminish, I want people to live happily ever after. I want good things for everyone - and if people have fallen on hard times, I want them to be lifted up and supported. I don't wish for Trump be a failure because that will make us, our country, a failure. We hired him, so like any employee you bring into your company, let's hope he does a good job.

Now I will say some things that I didn't say in 2016: If you voted for Trump, I think you are selfish. I didn't say this in 2016 because quite frankly he hadn't served as president yet and I was thinking that maybe the people who elected him into office knew something I didn't. Maybe this guy can MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. But a lot has happened since 2016, A LOT, and I know now that anyone who voted for this man to be president in 2024 is thinking only about themselves, about their bottom line, and no one else.

Hey, I care about money, too. I am not sitting here in some ivory tower rolling around on $100 bills without a care in the world. My husband is a public school teacher and I work for a non-profit, we're not exactly raking it in. Last year our family had to take a lien on one of our vehicles just so we could buy Christmas presents. My husband and I literally live paycheck to paycheck - if one of us ends up out of work for some reason, we could lose our house. So I know money struggles first hand. But I don't put those personal struggles, like the cost of my grocery bill, in front of the bigger problems in our country: reproductive rights, gun control, healthcare access, and basic civil liberties for all Americans and those seeking asylum (or just wanting a better life) in our country who may not have been born here - to name a few.

I don't believe Trump has the ability to fix country's financial woes. But okay - maybe he will prove me wrong. But even if he does, the fact that people would choose THAT over everything else is - well - selfish. Truth is that you, Trump supporter, chose your wallet over people's basic civil liberties. If it bothers you that I am saying this, you can unfriend me in life and on social media. I invite you to go ahead and do that. I am done being nice. I am not going to walk around acting diplomatic anymore, pretending your Trump flag doesn't bother me, looking away from your MAGA bumper sticker and shaking my head like you're just an incorrigible child. I am telling you right now - you're an adult who made a selfish choice with your ballot. You care about you - you don't care about women, minorities, LGBTQ+, or our constitution. You're selfish. You have looked the other way on all of the terrible things Trump has done as a human being. Or worse than looking away, you support them.

Since 2016 you've probably been walking around calling me a hippy liberal socialist. That's fine. If caring about the rights of others is somehow wrong, then I don't want to be right. I am not looking the other way. I see what's really happening, and fuck if isn't terrifying.

In 2016 I was baffled by the election results. But here in 2024, I'm scared. I am terrified that more than half of our country blatantly voted for a convicted felon, a liar, a racist, a misogynist, and a sexual abuser to serve as our next president - AGAIN. This man incited a riot to overthrow the government when he didn't get his way. He colludes with Russia. So yeah, I am scared that this is the person that our country chose. I don't know what that says about the people who live here. But it actually makes me afraid for my life. 

Lastly, to my "friends" who are telling me to "go to Canada if I don't like it" (gee, thanks for the suggestion) - I sincerely hope it won't come to that. As I mentioned at the beginning of this piece, I love this country and I feel privileged to live here. But someday it might be illegal for me to write a blog like this because our president-elect has already talked about throwing people in jail who say negative things about him. Someday we might find ourselves living in a version of Gilead from The Handmaid's Tale because, well, Project 2025. And if it comes to that, then if Canada will have me, I will seek asylum. But for now, I will stay put and do what I can to help others. And there are going to be a lot of people who may need help in the coming 4 years.